The One Where Chandler Loses his Mind
by dirtyprettything
Summary: The One Where Chandler Loses his Mind. Chandler has a few problems sleeping... [JoeyChandler slash] COMPLETE
1. I

Genre – Angst/Romance

Format –1st person speech (strange je sais)

Couplings – Joey/Chandler

Warnings – slash, cynicism, possibility of character death, foul language

A/N PLEASE READ – OK, so this was a strange one. I copied the technique by a remarkable story; 'Insomnia' by paranoidkitten which you will find in my favourites. The idea is that you read one side of a dialogue, in this case from the point of view of Chandler. I feel that the story itself is a little long for style, but, meh, I can't seem to cut it, so up it goes.  
This is set some time during Season 2 or 3? Ross and Rachel are together, as are Monica and Richard.  
Also I'm aware that Chandler doesn't swear this much in FRIENDS, and my Beta reader (Moose, who I am as always eternally grateful to) pointed this out. I am aware of this and would like to explain that in this fic the amount Chandler swears is directly proportional to the amount of emotional stress he's under, so fuck is basically a Chandler's-mental-state-o-meter. Thanks, enjoy and REVIEW as always.

Summary – The One Where Chandler Loses his Mind

**The One Where Chandler Loses his Mind**

**Chapter I  
**- Hey Mon.

-Yeah, I'm OK.

-Yes I'm sure! Why?

- Oh – yeah I've been sleeping alright. Well, as 'alright' as I can under the circumstances.

- It's kind of hard to get that much sleep when you've got Joey in the next room practicing his horizontal jogging techniques all night. It's alright for him; 'Days of Our Lives' don't seem to want him in the studio until midday.

- Nah, I don't need any sleeping pills, I'll be fine.

- I know, I know, I just… I don't need pills or anything.

- Thanks for your concern though, I'll see you later.

---

- Hey Joe.

- Why do people keep asking me that? Yes I'm fine.

- Yeah alright, what you want to do?

- Well, maybe we could just stay in and get pizza.

- No we don't, we always go out and you pick up some dumb chick from a bar and spend all night… connecting.

- Well sometimes I get fed up with the emotionally unstable train-wreck of a friend. And besides, I have work tomorrow.

- OK, OK. But try to restrain yourself.

---

- Joe?

- Yeah, when I said restrain yourself I meant bring less than two women back to the apartment.

- Really? One's for me?

- No… I knew you were kidding.

- Look, can you just try and keep the noise down tonight, I'd really like some sleep for once.

- Well can't the Joey love be quiet Joey love?

- Oh get over yourself.

---

- Mon?

- Yeah, I'm thinking about taking your advice, about the sleeping pills I mean.

- I keep zoning out at work, my secretary had to slap me to get me out of my chair when the fire alarm went off.

- No, nothing serious, one of the janitors tried to smoke up in the photocopy room again. A stoned man, fire and a room full of paper is like Page 1 of 'The Beginners Guide to getting fired from your job and being jailed for arson'.

- Well then my boss told me that I'd been acting strange lately and if I didn't pull myself together he may have to 'let me go'.

- I know I hate my job, but I can't just quit!

- Because it's the only job I've got, and who else is going to pay for Joey's headshots when he gets fired off 'Days of Our Lives'?


	2. II

**Chapter II  
**- Hey Pheebs.

- Yeah I'm good, I'm great!

- You are looking at the new and improved medicated Chandler. Now it's not just coffee that keeps me awake during the day, actual sleep during the night helps too!

- Hm? Oh, he doesn't know.

- I've explained my inability to sleep to him but he doesn't seem to take it on board.

- Well, you know what he's like – you have a problem with him he'll stick his head in the ground and refuse to see it until you spell it out, and then takes it extremely personally.

- I'm not scared of hurting his feelings.

- Our relationship isn't in jeopardy! And jeez, you make it sound like we're dating.

- I'm not gay!

- That's not what I think, that's what I _know_. And even if I were gay I wouldn't like Joey.

- Don't sound so sceptical.

- Alright Pheebs, my aura's damaged then.

---

- Hey man

- Yes I'm feeling alright! What now?

- You're going to need to what? Is it for another girl?

- Well, you know what; I don't care, because now I can sleep!

- I could have a girl up here any time I wanted.

- Ha-freakin-ha, I'm going outside for a bit.

- What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a cigarette…

- Yes Joe, and a lot of other things will kill me… like being harassed constantly about my bad habits.

- No I will not put it out!

- It's been the only thing keeping me going recently, what with the not sleeping and things.

- What are you going to do about it, hit me?

- What do you care anyway?

- Well I'm surprised you've even noticed! I've had to practically burn holes in your eyes to get you to see me smoking it! Why'd you notice now? Haven't you gone women you don't know to attend to? Or are you losing your touch? New York doesn't have enough dumb blondes in it for you so you have to spend your time harassing your roommate about his nicotine habit? That's some nightlife Joey!

- Fine then, walk away, see if I care! Asshole.

---

- Look, Joey, I'm sorry about the stuff I said earlier.

- I was just upset, and… I think these pills are making me a little more… aggressive than usual.

- No I'm not going to stop taking them.

- I need them to sleep.

- I need help sleeping because you're always… look, never mind… let me make it up to you… I'll buy you dinner tomorrow night, anything you want; Pizza, Chinese, Mexican, Four Star fancy French food, whatever.

- Alright, well I'm glad that's sorted. Shall we go with awkward hug or manly handshake?


	3. III

**Chapter III  
**- Hey man, ready to go?

- Raincheck? Why, what are you doing?

- Oh right, is she pretty? I'd hate to think I'd been thrown over for an average looking chick.

- No, it's OK.

- Yes I'm sure. I'll… hang out with Ross and Rachel. Help them decide if they're on a break or not.

- No, really I'm fine. I may even catch up on some sleep!

- Yes, you can borrow fifty dollars, here you go.

- We'll hang out another time. See you man.

---

- Hey, it's Ross and Rachel!

- Well, truth be told, I'm bored. I had plans with Joey tonight and…

- Oh I see. Yeah, it's fine, it's you two, of course I understand.

- No, Mon's with Richard. It's OK, Phoebe's around isn't she?

- Do you ever get the feeling she doesn't like me so much?

- Yes I'm fine; I've just been a little tired lately.

- I wish people would stop saying that! You look terrible, now that's a way to get into a man's good books!

- Alright, I'll take it easy, I understand. Have fun, stop worrying, etcetera, etcetera…

---

- Hey Pheebs! Big date tonight? No problem, I'll just go home and…

- You have some time? OK…

- Oh my God yes! I am FINE. I am totally fine. If one more person asks me that question I may just have to…

- Joey hasn't asked me that for a while now, no.

- What do you mean, do I miss him? I live with him.

- Yeah you're right, I guess, not so much anymore.

- I totally don't resent his job on Days of our Lives, I just wish that… never mind.

- No it doesn't matter…

- Well, it's just… he hardly seems to have time for me anymore.

- Sometimes it seems none of you guys… Oh, hey Steve.

- Yes I'll relinquish Phoebe.

- Yeah, Pheebs, I'll be fine. You two have a good night now.

- I'll see you tomorrow? Pheebs?

---

- Hey Joey! Good night?!

- Fucking hell I'm tired man, you're all kinda blurry…

- No! I'm not drunk… Drunk, I am not… Fuck man, I'm fucking tired…

- Stay still Joey, stop swaying, stop swaying…

- Yeah you are Joe you're fucking swaying!

- I can't see man, everything's getting so dark.

- Oh yeah those, I took a couple.

- I don't know… a few? For fucks sake man, leave me alone, I'm so tired…

- Fuck off man, I want… to … to sleep…


	4. IV

**Chapter IV  
**- Eurgh… where am I? I feel like crap.

- Hospital?! What the – ?!

- I did what? No I didn't.

- Look, doc, I'd know if I took a bunch of fucking pills.

- Yeah, I was on some pills, to help me sleep. My roommate has a fairly vibrant nightlife, if you get what I'm saying.

- Whatever, I still feel like crap, and why would I ingest a whole bottle of… Oh. Right, I see. You think I tried to…

- Yeah fucking right you're not here to make assumptions. Well you can fuck off; I didn't try to kill myself.

- How are a bunch of psychiatrists going to help? They don't know anything about me. Look, ask my friends, I'm not suicidal.

- What? Joey's been here? Where is he now?

- Can I see him?

- Later? Some fucking great doctor you are.

---

- Hey man.

- Yeah, I'm doing fine.

- What the hell does that mean? I'd say I wasn't fine if I wasn't.

- Joe, I honestly have no idea why I'm here.

- Whatever, how are the others?

- You sent them home? Well why did you stay then?

- Oh.

- Well if they'll be so pleased shouldn't you call to tell them?

- Oh God Joe, I don't want to 'talk'.

- Well what do you want me to say?

- There's nothing to talk about.

- I already told you, I don't _know_ why I'm here!

- Joey, I didn't… want to kill myself.

- I can't remember whether I _tried_ to, but even if I did… I didn't mean to.

- I got those pills because I was falling asleep at work, Monica advised me to.

- Fucking hell Joey, I know she didn't advise me to do… this, but it happened, OK, can't you just… get over it? Pretend it didn't? This is a totally awkward and embarrassing situation for me.

- Well I'm sorry for making you feel that way.

- Sorry for taking the pills? Actually… no, I don't think I am.

---

- Alright, so now the others have gone I suppose you're wanting to have another little 'talk'.

- No we don't have to talk about this Joey, no we don't. We could just go on living and pretend it never happened.

- I told you, I don't know why I did it either!

- No, you can't help, no, it's not serious and no, it won't happen again. Do you want to go now?

- Joey, please, don't do this.

- Well for fuck's sake Joe, if you're my 'best friend' and you 'care about me' you could have noticed what was going on! You could have stopped sleeping with every single fucking woman in New York, just for a few weeks, or days even, just so I could get back to sleep for a while and wasn't in danger of losing my job! Not to mention the squalor, when do you get the time to change you're sheets, Joe? That's right, you don't, and occasionally when I think of the last 25 women you've had naked in there I have to fucking change them for you, and – and how do you think it makes me feel, Joey? In _our_ apartment? How do you think it feels knowing that every girl you've got in that room would never even look twice at me, like I'm some kind of freak, some kind of twisted monster, created by two other monsters because they're determined to ruin the world with their foul, corrupted existence and – and the only person I thought could never look at me like that, would never ever trade me in was my best friend, was you Joey, but what am I to you now? I'm a combination of a fucking bank and a wall decoration; I'm surprised you've even noticed I'm in here since you've been on Days of our fucking Lives all you've done is sleep with co-stars and extras and anyone you could lay you're hands on as if I weren't there any more Joe. Where do I fit in when you find one who's perfect and leave me on my own? So just FUCK your self-righteous bullshit. Now… please can you just drop it and fuck off.

- No I'm not crying. The disinfectant in this room is stinging my eyes.


	5. V

**Chapter V  
**- Oh so you're the psychiatrist. So what's my problem?

- Shouldn't you be asking about my childhood and that sort of stuff? Well, my gay father abandoned my nymphomaniac mom and me. I guess that's the reason I tried to kill myself. Thanks for your help, bye-bye now.

- Look, I don't want to talk to you, just go away.

---

- I can finally go home?

- Well, that's a relief, thanks doc.

- Conditions? What like I have to wash behind my ears and eat my greens?

- Oh yeah right, like you're going to get me to do that again. It's a pile of crap anyway.

- What, therapy or no freedom?

- And I can't drive for a month?

- Fascists.

---

- Ah, you again, I thought I already told you it was the fault of the one eyed monkey who lives in my brain.

- What are you talking about, I love therapy, can't you tell?

- Who drove me here? Oh, Joey. It's not his car though.

- He's my roommate.

- What?! No, he's not my boyfriend!

- No problem, people have said it before.

- Well Phoebe says we're practically married and… wait, what are you trying to get at?

- We are close. Just because we're close it automatically means we're screwing? That's such a double standard; people never say that about girls.

- We've been living together for… I dunno four, five years now?

- No neither of us is in a long term relationship.

- I've never had one.

- No, he hasn't either.

- Well, for him three dates constitutes as long-term, and I don't exactly get the best selection of women.

- I dunno, maybe I'm deformed?

- Look, it's none of your business. I've just never met a woman I really like who feels the same way for more than a month or so.

- No, I don't feel I get enough sex, but don't most people feel that way? And besides, I practically live with Casanova, that's bound to give me a complex.

- Well yeah it bothers me, but mostly because I can't sleep at night. Hence the reason I ended up how I did.

- No I don't want to tell you about that, do I really have to be here for an hour?

---

- Alright, so I like Joey. Maybe even quite a lot. That doesn't mean I'm gay.

- No, it's not really about my father. Well, it is and it isn't. I mean, I'd rather not be gay, largely because of him, but at the same time I don't feel as if I am gay. I don't watch gay porn, I don't check out guys. I like women, I've never had the urge to have a boyfriend, or sleep with a guy. But I like Joey, so maybe it's just him that I have feelings for?

- So you agree, it doesn't make me gay?

- In love? Yeah right...

- I don't think I'm ready to answer that question yet, probably because I don't know. Partly because I didn't know I had these... feelings? If you can even call them that... and maybe partly because it felt as though I wasn't there to him anymore... but mostly... I was just so tired... I didn't mean to, you know.

- Has that been an hour? It doesn't feel that long…


	6. VI

A/N - For anyone who's still reading, the end will be up tomorrow or the next day. Also reviewing will not kill you, try it out and make me happy )

**Chapter VI  
**- Hey Joe, what are you doing up?

- I can't sleep. I was getting kind of dependant on those… well, never mind.

- Look, I'm not an invalid, OK… I can make my own herbal tea.

- I will not go back to bed just yet!

- Whatever. But I'll wait for you to make the tea. Make one for yourself too, it might stop you worrying.

- Hey, this stuff doesn't taste that bad, although don't tell Pheebs, she might think she's rubbing off on me or something... Anyway, I'm going to take thiis little number to bed with me, the mug being the most company I'm going to get in a while.

- Um, Joey… I think you've got the wrong room.

- What?! You're not getting in here with me…

- I know you're not trying to seduce me but…

- You're in my bed Joe. This is weird.

- I can't relax, you've got you're arm around me.

- Well it didn't help.

- Joe… Are you still awake?

- I'm sorry; this must be really weird for you.

- Well you're in a bed trying to sleep next to your apparently suicidal roommate…

- OK, best friend then, apparently suicidal best friend when you could be out having fun and getting drunk with a non-suicidal, and less emotional, hot blonde.

- Yes but that was in different circumstances, it was a double, and you're arm wasn't wrapped around me… and you're breath wasn't tickling the back of my neck… and… and I couldn't feel your heartbeat against my shoulder blade…

- I may not be able to talk to you like this if we're face to face.

- Would you go now, if I told you I was having these feelings I shouldn't have, and the way you're looking at me in the dark with all that compassion is making me dizzy and I don't quite know what to do because you're trapping me, you're trapping me Joe… I can't get out of this overwhelming emotion, not here, not right now, not lying like this…

- What do you want with me?

- Can I… can I kiss you Joe?

---

- What? Why are you running after me?

- I haven't been avoiding you all day.

- I haven't…

- No, I won't stop smoking these things.

- Forget about it, Joe.

- Jesus, just FORGET about last night already… I don't want to talk about it. I never said anything.

- _Because remembering it hurts in ways you couldn't possibly_ _imagine_ Just leave me alone.


	7. VII

**Chapter VII  
**- Hey… are you watching me sleep?

- What are those?

- Joey! Why would you give me flowers? I'm not you're freakin' girlfriend!

- I don't care what Pheebs said that kiss meant, what the fuck would she know?

- You're not gay Joe.

- Even if I were, which I'm not, what are you saying? You'd change you're sexuality so as not to upset me?

- I don't have a crush on you. And even if I did, you don't have a crush on me, so get those thoughts out of you're head. And as soon as I've got the all clear I'll move out, and you can have as many girls over as you want, and you can screw them all night long without worrying about me, my inability to sleep and my strange ideas. You wont have to repeat that awful situation, and you wont have to think that if you leave me alone for three seconds I may just throw myself off a building or something, you don't need the pressure, in fact, no one does, so I'll just move away and live somewhere quietly by myself without you, Joey, without all of this confusion, without the question of you and me and what we are to each other and how we're finally going to let go because we can't live like this anymore! We can't exist in this alternate reality where, where we just watch Baywatch, and talk at midnight, and make up superhero's and stuff, because… we can't! We can't live like this forever because we're not gay, although we like each other. Wait, wait, that's not what I meant, I meant we're not gay and we don't… mmph!

- Joey… you just kissed me.

---

- Well, this has been an interesting turn of events.

- How many guys have you woken up… naked… next to before, ones who are, or were, your best friend?

- I know we're still best friends, I just didn't know whether we were…

- Yeah… something else.

- I think that answers my question.

- I always have, Joe.

-

**Fin**

A/N - The end _curtsy_ this is your last chance to REVIEW... I hope everyone liked it :). Read my other fics for more C/J slash, and as always REVIEW REVIEW kthxbye


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